It is sooooo easy to just say yes, so tempting; especially when you are a 13 years old teenager with lots of hormones and a desire to fit into the social norm. Many kids are starting to date at a young age, and when you are the one who is left behind, you can't help but wonder what is wrong with you.
At least that's how I felt when I was 13, and I am sure many other teens felt the same.
The first time I was asked out, I couldn't help, but freak out. My body was cold and hot at the same time. I was shivering like crazy, I couldn't type right. Someone had asked me out... over facebook. Not really romantic, but it is what this society has come to accept. Few guys will ask you for your phone number before asking for your facebook name.
However, I said no; not because I did not like him, he was a good classmate of mine. I thought he had an adorable smile, even though he never talked or looked at me. [People tell me I tend to be intimidating.] I said no because I couldn't make it to the party he asked me too. Plus, I did not have money for the ticket, and I am not a user.
Over the course of a couple weeks, we started to communicate more. First, over facebook chat, to which people tend to say things on there that they will never say in person. I was mean to him because I dislike how he gave me pet names, but we don't even know one another well. Then, he started talking to me in the hallways at school, pulling me aside and walking me to my classes. I thought that was nice and did warm up to him a little. However, we never talked in class. He doesn't even look at me, nor I at him. Somehow, all our friends knew what was going on and thought we were going to start dating. It did not happen though. I was reluctant to say yes.
I asked him why he would like me, why he would ask me out; something that I was told not to ask a guy, especially if we are not dating yet. When he gave me his answers, I realized that he came for me because he was lonely. He wanted someone to walk through the hallway with; he wanted someone to call at night; he wanted someone to call his girl, but that was not what I wanted. I was lonely too, but I knew I would not be happy with just that; I wanted more. I wanted someone who I can feel a connection with, who I admire and believe in.
So I stopped all contact with him because I knew that if we continued, I will be lying to both of us. He is not a bad guy, just a lonely guy who has become so broken he was willing to settle for anyone. He thought I would say yes and I would be easy because I am nice to everyone. But I am not an easy person. I have seen what my parents' loveless marriage is like and how it affected my family. I want to fall in love when I am ready, not lonely. He did not understand that.
It is hard not to fall for someone because you are lonely. Many times, we lie to ourselves that we are in love, just to find out that the person we have come to know does not fit with us. And it just doesn't work out because working at a relationship where we feel we are not going anywhere is useless.
Maybe in some alternate universe or another life, he and I could somehow grow to love another. Maybe we would work out. But looking back from the road I am standing now, I am glad I listened to myself. If I had chosen the path with him, I would be a mother now. My world and my dreams would be different. Maybe that may be a good thing, but I love the people I have come to known and who I have met, because of where I am. I love how bright my dream looks ahead of me, and knowing that I do not have things to tie me down; I can be anything.
There are so many paths in life presented to us. Before you act rashly, listen to yourself. You know what you want in life. Other people will have louder voices than you and sometimes overpower your own to confuse you into wanting what they want, but hold on tight, you are never alone.
No comments:
Post a Comment