A lesson I have come to learn as I move on from heartaches and tears, is that with each person I love, the more I come to understand the levels of my strength as a person. Yes, I have had times where I want to break down and throw a glass cup across the room just to see how tiny it can shatter into. We all do, but we are all stronger than that. Sometimes it just takes a little stepping outside of the hurt and anger to see who we are, and how great all our experiences are.
Let me tell you a story.
There once was a man, whose name we will call Jason, that I came across. I have never loved anyone the way I love him. He wasn’t the type people would consider ‘hot’ or ‘noticeable’. In fact, he had a ‘homely’ and quiet look to him. I certainly did not pay attention to him the first time I was introduced to him, nor cared much about him.
However, it caught my attention that he was a man with intelligence, and one who uses that intelligence to help others. Jason was unlike any men I knew. So we developed a game, a battle of wit, to see how far we can take a topic. I questioned, he answered.
I came to love the sound of his voice. Even when I knew the answers, I questioned him just to hear his voice. And then I came to love the way he smiled. And then the courage he has. I fell for everything about him. His anger, his silence, his hate. Everything.
One can’t choose who they fall in love with right? I certainly could not. I tried stopping myself so many times because I knew I can not have him. I’d get sad. I’d get angry. I was like a pregnant woman who can not control her mood swings. We’d argue and not speak to one another, but at the end of the day, I’d come to face the fact that he is the first one I want to see tomorrow.
Loving Jason has changed who I am and how I think. He has taught me to fall in love with people who inspires me to be my best and not settle for anything less. I used to think that I could ‘settle down’ and just finish this ‘finding the one’ process. I used to think that I should not have high standards for men because it would be too hard to find someone who can reach up to those standards. Until Jason came along. Not only was he as good as I hope a person to be, he surpassed what I thought anyone can be in reality. Because of him, I strive to treat people better and do without getting anything back.
I truly love this man with all my heart. Even though I can not be with him or have the finality to walk on a lifelong journey with him, I secretly belong to him and he to me.
Sometimes we do not get what we want because God has better plans in mind for us. I never thought I’d meet someone like Jason, but now I can’t imagine a life without him.
