A part of my testimony

Here's a part of my testimony from a christian convention camp this year:

There were so many moments that I couldn’t help, but cry to. I have always been the kind of person who does not cry in front of other people because I have an image to keep up, until I knew God. The day before, Pastor Jon informed the leaders that he was going to give the girls a talk about their image, and I knew it was coming. It was something I’ve heard over and over, but it never got through to me because I never had a reason to believe in it. However, the moment Pastor Jon said to the girls that maybe our fathers never told us we are beautiful, but we are all beautiful in our Father of Heaven’s eyes; I broke down. My heart felt like it was swelling, and I couldn’t breathe. My parents never told me I was beautiful. Instead, I felt that they were ashamed of me. And I became ashamed of myself.

In my middle school years, I used to tape up my face so that when I look in the mirror, I don’t have to see myself; I used to cut my hair with a knife so that I’d get lots of layers and it’d hide my face; I used to hide in my room in the summertime so that no one will see me; I used cover up my face with clown makeup so I’d feel like I can be someone else. In high school, when people told me I was pretty, I felt embarrassed; when boys liked me, I felt I was unworthy of their attention. I’d make faces so that people cannot tell me I’m naturally ugly; I’d be silent so that no one notices me; the list goes on and on.

What hurt me the most was when my parents did not stand up for me. I’d have times where strangers walk up to me and tell me I’m ugly, and I should do something about it. Relatives would tell me that no man wants an ugly girl like me. And my parents just stood to the side. What was I suppose to do, right?  What could I say? I had no control over how I look. There were times I was sad God didn’t give me the physical beauty that everyone else got. And then I’d feel guilty because that thought was selfish. I tried not to let those things get to me, but slowly, the years and years of criticisms got to me, and it was like a flower that had too much rain; I was so hurt I thought I was going to die. So I did the only thing I could, I emptied myself so that I can not feel anything, pain nor happiness.

Right before I was baptized, Pastor Jon prayed for me and told me again, that my Father says I’m beautiful; that I am a princess and I am worthy of every man’s attention. So of course I got emotional and cried. When I got out of the water, I felt peaceful. My Father told me I am beautiful and not only was my sins erased, people’s mean remarks were washed away. I was so excited and so overjoyed. I couldn’t wait to be alive; I couldn’t wait to meet people; I was no longer shy of myself. My Father told me I am beautiful.

I didn’t even mean to join the pageant at all, the non-prank pageant. But when I saw that no girl was going up, a voice within me whispered, “Go go go!” I had fun, lots of fun. I loved acting the part. But within me, another voice asked, “Why are you up here? You are nothing compare to the girls next to you.” And when it came down to the last two contestants, the voice continued on, “She is so beautiful. She has every quality of a beautiful girl. Everyone likes her, no one knows you. She deserves it.” I kept on smiling, but I was silently starting to die on the inside. The voice was right. I did not belong where I was.

That pageant was nothing. It really was nothing. It was just a little fun ice breaker. When it was over, it was over. But to me, it was my breath of life from God telling me, “You are beautiful. Go tell the world.” I needed that.

Afterward, someone said to me that I should not have won. And for the first time ever in my life, I stood up for myself, “Why? Is it because I am not beautiful enough to you?” And he was silent. It was nothing, it really was nothing.

Except that the next day, at a speaking event, I stood up in front of a big crowd of people, and I told them how beautiful I am. I am beautiful because of how gracefully I stand up after every rainfall that happens; I am beautiful because of how elegantly I step over every stone in my life; I am beautiful because of how I laugh when I should be having a breakdown; I am beautiful because of how easily I can smile to strangers so that they’d have a good day; I am beautiful because of the sacrifices I make, to make people happy; no one else may see this, and no one else may know why I am beyond beautiful, but God sees and He knows. That is all I need. After that speech, a whole lot more opportunities were opened up for me to speak at, because my Father was next to me and I believed him.

I am not trying to brag about myself. Maybe I don’t physically have something everyone else has, but my heart lacks nothing. To call me ugly, or to call someone else ugly, or to call you ugly, would be to call God ugly, because I, you, we, were made in his image. Notice how the word ugly is said in the Hmong language? Exactly. And God is not that.

Letter to Hai 1

Just a letter I'd like to share:

       October 10, 2012

         You know Hai, I’ve had my share of waiting too. At first, I didn’t know why I was waiting; I didn’t know God. I just knew it wasn’t right yet; I wasn’t ready yet. Most guys don’t understand, and they get mad and leave me. Of course it hurt, but that is nothing compare to God’s love. So I was like, I’m gonna wait for God to bring me my ‘Adam.’ And I wrote romantic letters like crazy. It’s up on a blog, you can check it out if you want. Doesn’t bother me.

                And then the perfect man came along. He was EVERYTHING I looked for in a guy. He was funny, witty, charming, adorable, intelligent, respectful, etc. He is amazing. Still is. Of course I fell head over heel in love with him. But then I was so confused. I was like, God is this it? Give me a sign. Tell me. A year went by and nothing. Meanwhile, I just kept falling in deeper and deeper. You know that feeling.

                Then baboom! I woke up. The Holy Spirit decided that it was time to teach me what real love means. So He pulled ALL the strings of my heart. That man and my best friend from God, fell in love. Not only did they fall in love, they came to me for advice and to back them up from people who didn’t want them to be together. It was like, Hello! God! My heart is broken, why do I have to face it face on too? And for weeks, whenever I see either of them, I’d cry like crazy.  I was so sad. I couldn’t focus at all. All I could think of was, I am so in love with him, but I love her so much too. I wanted him for me, but I wanted them to have someone great in their life too.

                God told me to be selfless. So I was like, God, give me a week. And after this week, you can use me, but at least give me a week. So I took that week to cry and cry and cry. I’ve never felt this kinda love before, you see. And for it to be broken in this way too, you see.

                Before the end of the week, God gave me a friend to help to through it. It was such a random person, usually someone who I would not call, ever. She didn’t even give me much advice on my relationship. She talked about her relationships, but that was all I needed to find peace. So I sacrifice my own heart for my best friend and that man of God. I was like, God, because I loved the both of them so so much, I’d rather they be happy together, than I be happy alone.

                So was he worth the wait, heck yeah! Because of that man, I now know how much I can love a person. Great life lesson. And I now understand what true love means. I don’t know to the full extent what it is, but I’ve seen a part of it, and I know. I no longer desire ‘the One,’ nor look, nor wait for ‘the One’. Because what God gives me will be so much greater.

                And you know Hai, all of us have many stories. Some people go through life not knowing what God blesses into their life, but I believe that you do. That short passage that I shared, I read it a while ago and it has helped me calm my tempting heart a lot. I hope that it helps you too. And I hope that you’d keep it in the back of your head, that if one day someone else needs it, you can forward it to them too J

p.s. This story is not to be boasted, because I don’t want to hurt anyone’s heart. Thank you.

p.s.s. there’s a great song that teaches about man’s patience on waiting that I’d like to share with you. Waiting on a Woman by Brad Paisley

from the book: A return to Love

                Relationships are assignments as part of a vast plan for our enlightenment, the Holy Spirit’s blueprint by which each individual soul is led to greater awareness and expanded love. Relationships are the Holy Spirit’s laboratories in which He brings together people who have the maximal opportunity for mutual growth. He appraises who can learn most from whom at any given time, and then assigns them to each other. No meetings are accidental.

                “Those who are to meet will meet, because together they have the potential for a holy relationship.”

                When it appears to be the end of a relationship, it is not really an end. Relationships are eternal. They are of the mind, not the body, since people are energy, not physical substance.

                Someone with whom we are to have a life-long relationship with is one whose presence in our lives forces us to grow. Sometimes it represents someone with whom we participate lovingly all our life and sometimes it represents someone who we experience as a thorn in our side for years. People who have the most to teach us are often the ones who reflect back to us the limits to our own capacity to love, those who consciously or unconsciously challenge our fearful positions. They show us our walls. Our walls are our wounds, the places where we feel we can’t love anymore, can’t connect anymore deeply, can’t forgive past a certain point. We are in each other’s lives in order to help us see where we most need healing, in order to help us heal.

                A special relationship is a relationship based on fear. God created only one begotten Son and He loves all of us as one. To Him, no one is different or special because no one is actually separate from anyone else. Our desire to find one “special person,” one part of the Sonship who will complete us, is hurtful because it is delusional. It means we’re seeking salvation in separation rather than in oneness. The only love that completes us is the love of God, and the love of God is the love of everyone. That doesn’t mean that our relationships are the same with everyone, it means that we are seeking the same content in every relationship: a quality of brotherly love and friendship that goes beyond the changes of form and bodies.

                Often when we think we are “in love” with a person, we’re anything but. The special relationship is the ego’s seductive pull away from God. It is a major form of temptation to think that something other than God can complete us and give us peace.

                The special relationship makes other people, their behavior, choices, opinions, of us too important. It makes us think we need another person, when in fact we are complete and whole as we are. Under the Holy Spirit’s guidance, we come together to share joy. Under the ego’s direction, we come together to share desperation. A relationship is not meant to be joining at the hip of 2 emotional invalids. The purpose is not for 2 incomplete to become one but for 2 complete people to join together for the greater glory of God. In a special relationship, the ego asks, “What can I get?”, whereas the Holy Spirit asks, “What can I give?”

                Under the ego’s guidance, we’re always looking for something, yet always sabotaging what we’ve found. Pray for God to guide your thoughts and feelings.

                In the Holy relationship, the Holy Spirit change our minds about the purpose of love and we meet heart to heart.

                An unholy relationship is based on differences, where each one thinks the other has what he has not. They come together to complete oneself and rob the other, and then move on. And so they continue to live under the same roof, in the same room, yet is a world apart.

                A holy relationship starts differently. Each one has looked within and seen no lack. Accepting his completion, he would extend it by joining with another, who as himself. We’re not interested in our brother for what he can do for us. We’re interested in our brother, period.

                We are not here to audition one another, put someone on trial, or use other people to gratify our own needs, fix them, change them, or belittle them. We are here to support, forgive, and heal one another. A relationship used by the Holy Spirit becomes a place where our blocks to love are not suppressed or denied, but rather brought into awareness. You never get crazy like you do around the people you’re really attracted to. Then you can see your dysfunctions clearly.

                We love purely when we release other people to be who they are. The ego seeks intimacy through control and guilt. The Holy Spirit seeks intimacy through acceptance and release. It is our failure to accept people exactly as they are that gives us pain in a relationship.

                Our ego is merely our fear. Our egos are not where we are bad but where we are wounded. The Holy relationship is where we feel safe enough to be ourselves, knowing our darkness will not be judge but forgiven. In this way, we are healed and freed to move on into the light of our true being.

                The ego doesn’t like the look of people when they’re “going through things.” It’s unattractive. The problem in relationships is rarely that we haven’t had wonderful opportunities or met wonderful people. The problem is we haven’t known how to take the greatest advantage of the opportunities we’ve had. Sometimes we don’t recognize how wonderful those people are. Love is all around us. The idea that there is a perfect person who just haven’t arrived yet is a major block.

                Looking for Mr. Right leads to desperation. There is no Mr. Right because there is no Mr. Wrong. There is whoever is in front of us, and the perfect lessons to be learned from that person.

                If your heart’s desire is for an intimate partner, the Holy Spirit might send someone who isn’t the ultimate partner for you, but rather something better: someone whom you are given the opportunity to work through the places in yourself that need to be healed before you’re ready for the deepest intimacy.

                Waiting to see whether someone is good enough is childish, and it is bound to make the person feel that he is auditioning for the part. We hold ourselves separate from people and wait for them to earn our love. But people deserve our love because of what God created them to be.

                Often letting go becomes a lesson that is much deeper than what would have been learned. At the so-called end of relationships, I have sometimes felt like I was falling in love with the person more deeply than before. What I’ve discovered is that the Holy Spirit sometimes pull out all the stops at that moment, simply because it takes all the love we’re capable of to let a person go. “I love you so much that I can release you to be where you need to be, to go where you need to go.” This moment in a relationship is not about an ending. It is about the ultimate fulfillment of the purpose in any relationship: that we find the meaning of pure love.

                A marriage is God’s gift of a man and woman. It is a gift that should then be given back to Him. A man’s wife is literally God’s gift to Him. A woman’s husband is God’s gift to her. But God only gives gifts that are meant for everyone. So a marriage is meant to be a blessing on the world, because it is a context in which two people might become more than they would have been alone.


This helped me a lot, so I hope and pray that it helps you in the same way. Maybe not even for yourself, but for you to help someone else out.

Normality

single poem

something fun I found.....

[author unknown]

Being single is always fun..No fights,
tensions, worries, night callings. But have
you ever wondered if being in a
relationship must not be that bad.

When you wake up you find a"good morning sweetheart
♥ :)" in your inbox. or early in the morning
u listen to that sweet voice saying "you are my baby..!"
isn't it sweet?

When u'r all alone, all you just need is that
person with you, you dnt like to talk to
anyone else. Those small-small sweet fights,
and that eagerness when clock strikes 11 at
nite. and the harmony of two hearts talking
til 6am.

Those sweet memories.
After a fight saying "sorry jaan" & forgiving
that special person every single time no
matter what.. N dn again fighting over
whose
mistake it was! :D &

Whn we col dem it says - "busy onanother
call..plz stay on the line or call later." We
find it frustating..

When We see their face & instantlybecome
happy.. Isnt it
sweet?

Then I don't know why everybodysays being
single is fun?
you know that its not true, u can'tlive
without love..
U r a human n its ur need to be loved.
Falling in luv is d mst beautiful thng in
d world. Think about it guys. . :) ♥ ♥ ♥

Melissa Blake

You can call it fate or destiny, but I believe God led me to meet you. What else can explain this accidental meeting? How is it that I found you? There are bazillions of things, people out there, and yet somehow I found you.

I was looking for a fashion outfit for a class when I stumbled onto her blog. She is certainly a good stylist. I scrolled down and down, and somehow I got caught into her writing. She told me, “Most people grow up dreaming of buying a shiny car, I dream of being able to twirl in dresses and colorful shoes.” Her voice tugged at my heart. Such simple wish that the majority of us take for grant, the ability to move so gracefully through life. At first I didn’t understand. Then I checked out her profile and realized that she had a handicap that confined her to her wheelchair. Not so bad. But I saved her blog anyway. And what she said kept coming back to me. And throughout the week, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. How is it that she didn’t let her suffering stop her, and I who is so blessed, complain so much and is so negative lately?

God, convict me.